As I Live and Breath

No School, even a few months ago these words made me cringe, how on earth am I going to get through a day of fighting and boredom?  In one breath I set myself up for failure.  The enemy set me up to be an irritated mom with no hope in having fun with her children.  This school year that all changed.  I made a plan for days off (yes, even those pending snow days that we all hope don't happen.)  Routine has always worked with my children, that is why school is fun for them, its predictable and they know what is next.  Today we have sung songs, talked about the fruit of the Spirit and gone over our Literacy and Math workbooks.  I am not going to be consumed by fearing days off anymore, I am going to embrace them.  There has been talk about walking to the library but at the current moment they are playing with kool aide play dough (and have been for the past hour!)  and talking about random ideas that come to mind.  I am blessed.

I look and see I haven't written since August...wow.  I really, really miss pouring my heart out in a safe place.  This is a public space though, not safe at all but I want to say a little.  I pray that something I say might spark that worn down mom to press on.  My days are terribly hard sometimes, trying to help my daughter with a learning disability grasp simple concepts, chasing after a Kindergarten who wants to know everything and a toddler that just wants to be with me learning and growing. All while often missing my son who we never got to experience life with. My life isn't a movie where some seven foot guy is going to gush words of wisdom over me...though it would be nice...:)  I CAN do this WE can do this!  God and I.

So how can I pray for your day today?  I want to pray for you as I clean play dough off the floor, do another load of wash or in my quite time with Jesus.   Leave a note on Facebook or a comment here.  Reach out if you can relate.  Weather you want to be able to relate or not.

"God brings you to places, among people and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit on you.  Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say "I am going to be my own providence from here, I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that."
My Utmost for His Highest

"Oh be Careful Little Eyes"

When I was growing up we sang a song in Sunday School, the final verse went something like this,

"Oh be careful little eyes....ears.....mouth....what you do,
Oh be careful little eyes....ears...mouth...what you do,
for the father up above is looking down in love,
oh be careful little eyes....ears...mouth what you do."

A very catching little song, but the words mean so much more now that I am a parent.  A friend and I were having a discussion the other day about how old children should be to watch a movie that involved language.  I pondered the question for only a moment when this song started playing in my head.
 My response was I want my children to always be sensitive to the sin of this world.  Our hope and prayer is that they are to be in this world, not of it. There is no way to protect them 24/7 from language, sex and the like but I am not going to make the conscious choice to allow them around it.  This person responded that they might be old enough to one day block out language.  I am almost 33 and language still makes me squirm when I am around it, whether it is in a move or another person is saying it.  I am sensitive to the sin, and I am very aware of it, especially if I falter and use a word.  That is the worst.
Sin should not be something we "block out" or "get used to."  If that is the case then our spirits are numb to what is actually going on.  I love my children with every fiber of my being.  We do no live in a perfect world and they need to understand that.  We are made perfect by God's love and forgiveness but we are not to join in on a movie, conversation or song just because we can block the sin out.  We are called to honor the Lord in word and deed, our bodies are His temple and we should do everything in our fiber to do His will.
I could never give my friend a straight answer, just what I said above and I pray that the Lord can guide the rest.

Friends

Over the past month or so I really have been focusing on friendship and how this bond has been ever so present in my life, all my life.  The whole thought of friendship is a strange one, a group of people, often total strangers that decide to start conversing then a bond develops.  It maybe a surface-y type friend that you call when you need to be human or that friendship that runs so deep that you can almost think for that person.

I have experienced both and so much more in between.  I look back on the years and am honestly embarrassed about how I approached my earliest friendships.  One friend I called everyday, at the same time after school.  Really?  Embarrassing, feeling that our friendship would not hold if there wasn't a daily connection.  In high school the act of trying to keep up to just fit in became exhausting but a lot of fun.  This group of friends held Jesus as a standard in their lives and we did so much together, road trips, band shows and late night hang outs and eventually youth group. Then there was a foolish need to try another group, that  other  set of friends whom I drew especially close to chose drugs and alcohol over anything.  That was my first "break up" after many nights of praying and hearing that I didn't want to head down that road at all.  I had hopes and dreams that would be dashed if my life became nothing but that style.

 I didn't trust for a long time after then.  Why would I?  God was my friend during the time I felt like I couldn't trust.  Having learned so much over that time of solidarity the Lord blessed me with the group of close bonds that I now experience.  It is refreshing to not have to change, hide or call every day to know that they have my back. During this season my heart has been healed and then I finally led a Bible Study on Friendship and the wound was healed completely.  Maturity has a lot do with it but so does learning to trust again.  Enjoy friendships today, laugh and take a chance in another person. God never intended us to walk any road alone!

It's June

June, so many people look forward to this month, school ends, the air is warm and the sun stays out for what seems like forever, ice cream drips from happy chins and families gather to celebrate each other.

June is a difficult month for me, this is the month that we found out our son was no longer alive, almost three years ago.  The day was beautiful, the children at the daycare I worked for had a park day and I walked over to help them come back, all along day dreaming of seeing my baby on ultra sound that afternoon.  I was almost 17 weeks, we were trying to stay on "team green" but deep down we hoped to get a glimpse of the gender.  I had started to feel the baby move a few weeks prior, but that week was very hot and I remember not feeling much movement and saying something to a few people but chalked it up to it being early.

I entered the exam room, hopped on the table and told the tech all the above and she agreed it was early and maybe the baby wasn't facing out but in where kicks are hard to feel.  Lights turned down, machine on and then....my baby.  "It's in a funny position, I need to get the doctor."  My reality set it very quickly, I looked at my husband, there isn't a heart beat.  She said she would be back, please change the outcome, but the doctor confirmed what we already knew.  What was inside me was no longer a thriving life but one that was now thriving in heaven.  The image was still, yet beautiful.  I looked at my husband, change this, change it now!   Our baby, our child, lay silent.

Next came the chatter, autopsy, no, genetic testing, no, a D&E?  No, I want to deliver this child.  We were told that mourning was going to start.  Who was she kidding?  We had lost two grandmothers in the last two months, the mourning wasn't starting, just getting worse.  At the hospital, they greeted me and sent me to the farthest room, away from the crying and placed a flower on my door.  That flower hangs in our living room now, it signals to the staff that what is happening in that room isn't a live birth but a still birth.  We view it as God' reminder that he cares for the flowers and he cares even more for us.  I prayed for three things

 1) A quick, natural delivery.
2) To be able to determine gender, to hold and to be with our child.
3)  To know why their life was cut so short.

My contractions started quickly, my water broke and an hour later Logan Anthony came in and out of our lives.  He was perfect, fingers, toes, eyes that only saw Jesus, never my face.  His cord was wrapped tightly in several places, no medical testing needed, it was clear.  He lived within me for just over 15 weeks and was part of us for 17.  He will always be our third child.  Always our son.

Bereaved mothers are all around, please be aware.  We see every eye roll when we talk about our child, the whisper and every forgotten birthday is like a stab to the heart.  If a close friend or loved one has lost a child, make a note of the day and remember them.  From the time those two lines appear on the pregnancy test we plan futures, weddings, grandchildren.  No matter how long that life is it matters to the parents.  Even early miscarriages are carried with mothers, they may not speak of them but they remember that baby.   A life is a life.
My son's life was far too short, we are healing but now that my children are growing older he is is more real to them than ever.  I love to hear his name, to show his pictures because he was ours we celebrate him, and yes talk about him.
 No many understand, but maybe its the fact that too many do....I don't wish this on anyone, I don't want anyone else in the world to know the pain of  losing their child.  It is said that until you walk in these shoes you won't understand.  Than I pray to God that no one else understands.

All or Nothing

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.  For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Hebrews 12:1-2

I am an all or nothing kind of gal, and so far two of my children have inherited this trait.  So many examples are tumbling through my head....I can't just have ice cream in the house if I am trying to stay away from it, there can't be any.  When it comes to tithing on Sunday I cannot give just some, it has to be all.   I needed to lose weight years ago and making smaller portions wasn't working so I did the dreaded and developed an eating disorder.  I need to hear words of affirmation daily, or else my significance in this world slips.  With the children, when it comes to video games there is no such things as moderation, we either let them have it and they are on them all the time or we take them away and they collect dust.  Same with TV, it can't just be a little, so they often don't watch at all.  Our pediatrician suggested this approached with red food dye, it has too be all or nothing, so we chose nothing (no, I am not going to debate this, they simply stated that it works for some families, they never said it was proven...)  We slip up and let chores go for a day, or even two, and it is so hard to bring them back in.. My list goes on and on.
What about my faith?   Well, that goes along well with my all or nothing, realist view.  I trust my God with everything, I trusted him with his choice of my future husband, a man that I only knew for four short months before our engagement and never had a relationship of any type.  We trusted God with all when starting our family.  We chose to trust him with all when we had to bury our son and again when we discovered our fourth pregnancy that so quickly followed.   We have had to trust him, all or nothing, even when it seemed impossible.  He showed it was possible, a check came in the mail, a note, a word from a stranger.  I often battle  my all or nothing out look, others do not understand but the again, I am not in charge of others.  God has blessed us with this little family, with the things he has given us and the children that are  on loan.  Satan might try his best to come in to kill and destroy but I know that God has the end of the battle.  I pray that my family, my friends, my mothers that I walk next to can rest in this peace.  God wants us, not some, not occasionally but he wants our hearts, all or nothing.

"Every high thing must come down."

This is a picture of my scale, or what used to be my scale.  I would get on this scale every Friday morning, every week it would define me for that day, or week depending on what it told me.  Good or bad I really held a lot to this square glass scale and it had to end.  It has become far too high in my life and where I was on my journey, so I was going to throw it out. Someday.  Until my two year old decided to try it out, she wanted to stand on it just like mommy did, so she tipped it over (it stood on end against the wall) and it hit the floor with a crash.  Problem solved (praise God no one was cut, either.)  This was a great reminder to me that no matter what excuse we make, now much we put our convictions off, God will find a way to make His will clear.

"You are always fighting for us

Heaven's angels all around

My delight is found in knowing 

That You wear the Victor's crown

You're my hlep and my defender

You're my Savior and my friend

By Your grace I live and breath

To worship you

e

To Every high thing must come down

Every stronghold shall be broken

You wear the victors crown, 

you have overcome,

you have overcome"

(Victors Crow

Darlene Zschech)

What a glorious thought!  He holds us in his arms and he wears the crown of VICTORY!  We have had quite a journey these past few weeks, my oldest was given a diagnosis that we saw coming.  My weight loss has been long, painful and slow, my husband gave up a stronghold in his life and is feeling so much better and so much more.  We parent, we pray we work through this crazy life and we live for the one that has promised to walk beside us and he delights in every effort we put forth.  I know that I can just lay down every time I botch training up the children or lose my cool and my father will be patient with my faults and not just forgive but forget.  

My husband and I are very intentional with the children, two of the three are opening their hearts to God's love with every day that goes by.  They still sulk, and throw fits but we work with them, pray verses over them and try our best to mirror what we have learned through growth.  Grace is practiced in this home. Be encouraged.  

A Walk..

These past few months I have been participating in a Bible study with my MOPS group.  We are reading through the book "Calm my Anxious Heart"  I cannot say enough about this study, it is by far one of the most applicable to my life and the season we are in now. One topic that struck me during our group discussion was about faith, how we have it or not, what was our "ah ha" moment and so forth.  I have been blessed, I have so many things in my life, I have a marriage that is rich in love and commitment, children that want to obey as much as they want to experience life.  That day I realized I really wanted to know if I truly had the faith I thought I did.  So today I took a walk...

Today I finally had time to grab my box of journals (yes, plural) and read about where I was last year at this same time.  I do have to admit it caught me off guard to realize I have 10+ journals in that box, I just toss them up there as I finish them and it has been awhile since I have looked in.  As I read through one or two my heart beat fast with the joy that God brings.  There hasn't been a moment in the past three years (at least) that I didn't walk close with God.  Does anyone else ever wonder if their walk is strong through all seasons? I do, but does  that make sense to anyone else?  Out of the two journals I picked up to look through one was from early 2011, my earliest days of pregnancy with Logan, his loss and the days that followed.  One thing was constant, my crawling into my daddy's arms and crying.  He was there through my joy and my pain.  He is there for us, period.  I had faith that he would bring us through.  Over and over again on those pages God affirmed what I needed to see....proof maybe...or just another way of seeing my faith in action.
My days as a mother often melt one into another as they do with most mothers, so I also document a lot of what is going on in life in blog form in addition to those journals.  We had a wonderful time growing as a family in FL at the end of February, they did amazing on the plane and while at the parks.  Just like any vacation we were happy to be heading home at the end, we had an amazing time and lots of pictures to go back and look at.  Several times during the trip we reminded the older children that this vacation was not something to be taken for granted but with thankful hearts towards their heavenly and earthly fathers.  I think my son's favorite thing wasn't the parks but riding on a monster truck through a citrus grove and my daughters was the "hot pools."  Doesn't take much, does it?  My youngest is now fascinated by Minnie Mouse, why just today she had a melt down because she couldn't see Minnie on her diaper!  I just left that one alone :)  She is starting to potty train so maybe seeing Minnie will actually help her want to sit and go potty, just maybe?

Happy Birthday!

Tomorrow my baby boy turns five.  Five seems like a milestone and I really don't know why...these years have been amazing and sweet, challenging and rewarding.  He is full of energy and always has a witty statement this five year old of mine.  I am so proud to be his mommy!  His likes include his sisters, school, cars, trains, Legos and puzzles.  Dislikes are new foods, being told what to do and shopping.  Unless it is shopping for his cousin Chase :)  He is very excited to start Kindergarten in the fall in addition to riding bike and going to the park.  A funny thing to remember about right now is he can name all the children in the Duggar family yes, I know, something so silly but it is so cute to hear.  They are one TV show that I don't mind them watching.  He and his best buddy have a great time together, they are almost opposite but get along so well.  We pray that he can grow up with him and a few other friends he has now and develop into men that love the Lord.
Birthdays will always be a special time for us, it is a chance for us to not only celebrate their day but the day we became their parents.  I never want them to to forget how much they mean to us, being a mom was always a dream of mine.....God saw fit to give me the chance.  Ever child needs a chance to be celebrated so their day is just that.  I love you, bubby!

The one about parenting....

Warning, a real post ahead....this is my first attempt at "real life" blogging on my public blog...

Over the past few years it has become obvious that my husband and I have our own way of parenting that seems to be so far from other families.  I am not sure how I am going to write about this but it has been something rolling around in my head lately.  Two quotes keep my head straight more often than not, the are both from a trusted friends.

"Don't judge others that sin differently than you"
and
"Judge lest ye be judged."

I try to stay far away from those who think their way is the only way, I have always been the type of person that doesn't enjoy conflict and I try to stay far away from it.  I guess you can say I am a peacemaker but there are times that wearing that hat can be for the convenience of others.  This past week I had our parenting style criticized and in my head I was doing the same back to them.  Not good, not good at all.  Not the trap that I want to fall into....
Our children are healthy, well mannered and have the knowledge of Christ.  They are horrible at cleaning up, staying organized and  don't have chores that they do regularly.  They watch TV (can almost name all the Duggars and tell you how to dirty ice a cake) and love to read Bible stories. These are a few examples of things that work for other families that once upon a time I thought my family would have to follow.  The other day after yelling at them for the millionth time to clean up (subsequently they went to bed early because the job wasn't done) that I realized this is not how we want to roll.  I was trying to have something to say "oh yes, they clean up and do chores."  Instead I sat down staand realize I just lost a whole evening of their childhood and I won't get it back.  I beg the Lord's forgiveness, they will learn to clean up and do chores one day and that day will probably come parallel with going to sleepovers with friends, not wanting to sit down and cuddle, read and watch movies.  A day that comes too soon and I am sick of missing out my heart tells me that they won't be come lazy, self center people because I lacked in this part of their training. It makes our hearts smile when we hear those around our children communicate about the training that we have put into all three of them.  In turn I do my best to focus on a child's strengths that don't always come naturally.  All parents enjoy hearing "they used please and thank you, oh they shared nicely ect."   I love our parenting style, yes I do think God rolls with laughter some days when a mom or dad thinks they are doing the best job ever.  God created these beings and we are their caretakers here on earth.  He has the ultimate control of their yesterdays today's and tomorrows.   
The number one thing I stress to all of our friends is just because it worked for us doesn't mean it works for you, leaving them a sense of "I can do this, its ok to have our own style"  this is something that takes a long time to feel thanks to media, social networking and parenting websites.  I feel blessed to sit on two sides of the fence for a lot of big life events.   I don't care if you breastfeed or not, if your child is malnourished that is a problem.  I will tell you all the pros and the bonds of nursing but if you chose to formula feed that is great!  Epidural, yeah..bring it on but natural birth has also been a great experience.  Your child's not number one in class?  Hey, if they are on cue than they will flourish in their own time...I even had someone tell me that their child learned to read from watching educational DVDs...talk about a breath of fresh air :)   I love that we parents with God's love in control.  I pray that you can feel the same.

New to 2014

We welcome this new year with open arms....here are the changes so far....

• We have successfully moved!  I swear I will never move again...I always say that though.  
• My baby moved from the nursery to the one year old room at church.  No more babies in the nursery for us...bittersweet.
• Now that moving is pretty much taken care of we can focus on our big family trip coming up in a few weeks!  I haven't been excited for it until now because my attention was elsewhere.
• Miss A loves her new school, and to be honest I feel so much better about this district and how they approach learning!
• Middle child is gearing up for Kindergarten registration and his 5th birthday...where did the time go?
• Hubs and I are counting the days till our next date night, not till 2/14 but that is only a month away, right!?! 
• I really, really hope I can get back onto the blogging train, life just wasn't that exciting at the end of last year.
• We have four, count them four consignment shops right around the corner from our house, I don't think I will ever have to shop retail again for clothing. 
• My new years resolution is to focus on the amazing God I serve and how much He works in our lives and to talk about it often.  (to those who inquire, of course)
• My weight loss journey continues to be slow and steady.  No looking back now :)  Once the weather warms up I am excited to get out walking for longer periods of time.  Also there are a few 5k's with my name on them. 

That is about it for now.....blessings one and all!